


The Stagnancy of Self (In a World Everchanging)

by MorningStarNotLucy



Series: Finding Bonnie [1]
Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bonnie Bennett Has Abandonment Issues, Bonnie Bennett is Human, Bonnie Bennett is allowed to be human here, Bonnie Bennett-centric, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Healing, Hurt Bonnie Bennett, Hybrid Klaus Mikaelson, Klaus Mikaelson Has A Heart, Possessive Klaus Mikaelson, Protective Klaus Mikaelson, Witch Bonnie Bennett, graphic depictions of mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29408754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningStarNotLucy/pseuds/MorningStarNotLucy
Summary: For as long as she can remember, Bonnie Bennett has been suffering loss. She's always been missing someone or something. Now it's herself. She's truly alone this time and there's no one there to help her at this crossroads. Will she continue down a pathway of death and destruction? Or will she heal for the better and finally find the love she deserves?
Relationships: Bonnie Bennett/Klaus Mikaelson
Series: Finding Bonnie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2160495
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	The Stagnancy of Self (In a World Everchanging)

Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, or any of the characters within the related universes. If I did, Bonnie Bennett would've gotten a better canonical story-line. I also do not own White Diamonds, Night Magic, or Far Away Perfumes.

Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop.

As the early hours of morning progressed, I found myself inert. As the walls of my mind closed in, the only prevailing thought remained a fluttering whisper: _Am I even breathing?_

The only parts of me I could've truly attested to being capable of moving were my eyes. They frantically tracked the ever-changing sky and the mocking clock that never stopped ticking. I'd lain here so long, I no longer had any concept of time. Days felt like years. Years like seconds. How long had I been here again? 

_Poor Bonnie Bennett, all alone. Where are your friends? Do they think you're dead again? What about your father? Does he even notice anymore?_

One of the many derisive voices inside of my head continued to taunt me. I'd long since given up arguing with them. After all, weren't they right? Where were my friends? Do I even still have any? And my feelings concerning my father were even more convoluted. Everyday of my life, I've drifted through a continuous cycle of indifference, of hating him, of hating **me**. It never hurt as bad when I was with other people, one of the reasons I continued cheer besides not wanting to disappoint Caroline. But when I was alone, the doubts and residual anger plagued me. Why wasn't I good enough? How was he any different than Abby? At least she never left any real reasons for false hopes of her return. A part of me always knew she was never coming back. I never waited for phone calls or birthday appearances. Things were different with Dad. He'd been the cause of many of my tearful sofa sessions with Grams. 

_Face it, Bonnie! You were meant to be alone! It's why everyone always leaves. Your mom. Your dad. Caroline. Elena. Even Jeremy preferred a ghost. And now, even your dear beloved Grams is gone too. Did you hear me? Even Gra-_

A guttural shriek ripped callously through my lips, hurting my throat and ears, but temporarily silencing the voices. I panted a little before descending into a fit of coughs. My mouth was dry and my stomach hurt. How long had I been down here? Moments like these reminded me of my childhood. I was no longer a teenager on the verge of adulthood, but a small child desperately clinching my teddy bear because it was the only thing I knew wouldn't leave. I was once more the little girl who sobbed into her grandmother's skirts, taking comfort in the scent of whiskey and _White_ _Diamonds_. I was the one who walked alone to school with my head down during PTO sponsored days because I had no mother to share these moments with and no father present to dance with me. The one who cried herself to sleep every night and wondered if it would've been better had he just left too. I'd lost both of my parents that day. Even if he never admitted it.

I still don't understand how the world around me has continued to carry on seemingly unscathed while I've come apart at the seams. At least then, I'd had Caroline. And Elena. And Gr-. Nevermind. I no longer had any of them. 

An uncomfortable pressure harshly grasped my fragile chest from within as my eyes watered. Even in my numbness, I still felt the ache of my loss. Even now when it felt like the pain could not worsen anymore, it found a way. Who'd be next? Did I even have anyone less to lose? Maybe the voices were right and I didn't truly have anyone. The thoughts swirled viciously throughout my mind. I was aware of them. I was. I was also aware of my caricature-like purpose to my friends. Despite that, my awareness didn't change anything. It didn't mean I wouldn't fight with everything I possessed to maintain the bittersweet illusion. To continue to be needed my someone. The shattered remainders of my soul clung to the idea that if I just made sure someone needed me, I'd never be alone. It would be fine. I'd be fine, even if I wasn't loved.

Tremors racked through my small body as tears spilled from my forest green eyes, some falling onto my dying plants, some hitting the ground. An unintentional offering to the Mother Goddess. Through my wall of tears, I caught sight of a figure. It was little more than a brisk flash of blonde and hauntingly sorrowful blue eyes. They disappeared from my window and field of view just as quickly as I'd seen them but not my mind. The pain lurking behind them would not be easily forgotten. The hurt within me reached out as if it'd found its sister in sorrow.

Were my hallucinations and woes physically manifesting? Were the spirits punishing my insolence further? Were they here to take what little I had left? 

Slowly, I managed to drag myself to my knees. It did little good as seconds later my quaking body collapsed under my weight. Using little more than fear and sheer determination, I pulled myself to my vanity before clutching the chair to rise. Of course, by this time, all traces of whoever was here were gone. And yet, I felt the distinct notion that it'd be many miles before this was over and I'd truly know peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! I know this isn't the original version of this story I posted a few months ago. I decided to try my hand at a full-length story again. It's been years since I've posted on here or actually written one, so please be gentle while I get back into the feel of things. Hope you enjoy! Read and review if you'd like.


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